QUESTION:

Should you stay / not stay with a person that doesn’t match your libido? How do you let go of the person if you still love them but they are not willing to talk about your sexual needs?

ANSWER:

Libido (sex drive- how much and how often you want sexual activity) doesn’t always match up perfectly between partners. Many things impact libido- medication, hormones, environment, stress, etc.

If you have a higher libido than a partner, it can help to find more of your own sexy times.

This can include using porn, masturbating, fantasy, etc.

When talking with a partner about mismatched libido it can help to use “I feel” statements to talk about your feelings.

Examples:
“I feel like we want different things from our sexual relationship. How would you feel about making a plan to have sex more often?”

“I feel that Sex isn’t something I always want. How would you feel about having more sexy times by yourself?”

“I am comfortable with taking care of my own sexual pleasure more often. How would you feel about watching porn / being with me while I masturbate / etc.”

You are worthy of sexual pleasure, and your partner’s boundaries are important. Some people explore opening their sexual relationships up to other partners and/or exploring polyamory when people are still in love but have mismatched libido. However, when someone doesn’t want to communicate it is unlikely to resolve in a way where both / all partners feel respected, and ending the relationship might feel like the best choice. Break ups are hard, but often happen because a relationship isn’t feeling good for all involved. It’s important to talk with people who care about you and treat yourself kindly when breaking up with someone.

QUESTION:
Do you think being attracted or having a preference to thick/big/fat people is bad? Does it count as a fetish or is my attraction to them valid?

ANSWER:
Fat people are often fetishized in porn and sexual media because we are seen as outside the “norm” and therefore something “unusual” or “special”. That’s only because our media is so saturated with thin, white, abled bodies; and makes it seem like these are the only bodies that have sex! While some enjoy fat related fetishes, fat sexuality is more than that. Many, many people are sexually attracted to thick/ big / fat people. There is loads of fatphobia out there in media, on dating / hookup sites / in general, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying sex as / with fat people.

QUESTION:

Do you think being attracted or having a preference to thick/big/fat people is bad? Does it count as a fetish or is my attraction to them valid?

ANSWER:

Fat people are often fetishized in porn and sexual media because we are seen as outside the “norm” and therefore something “unusual” or “special”. That’s only because our media is so saturated with thin, white, abled bodies; and makes it seem like these are the only bodies that have sex! While some enjoy fat related fetishes, fat sexuality is more than that. Many, many people are sexually attracted to thick/ big / fat people. There is loads of fatphobia out there in media, on dating / hookup sites / in general, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying sex as / with fat people.

QUESTION:

Are there tips for a sexual relationship that has two people who prefer to be submissive / bottoms?

ANSWER:

Communication and experimentation! One thing to keep in mind is that there doesn’t necessarily need to be a top/bottom to have good sex. It might be satisfying to try sexual activities that are guided by what feels good for both of your bodies- masturbating together, using sex toys, being on the same power level emotionally and physically. If bottoming is important to your ability to enjoy sex, it might help to explore some solutions that give each of you opportunities to bottom. Check in with one another at a time that isn’t sex time (less pressure) about how you can share roles, and what might feel good to try. If topping isn’t initially appealing to you, you could try things like role playing to make it easier. You could also include props, media, etc.

QUESTION:

How did you get into teaching sex ed? I also want to get into teaching sex ed.

ANSWER:

That’s awesome! You can read about how I became a Sex Educator, and why I am so passionate about my work HERE

QUESTION: How do I practice safer sex with someone with a vagina?

Here are some things to consider:

• Communication: being able to talk openly about sex, feelings, expectations, consent and boundaries makes sex safer.

• Pregnancy: It’s important to talk about birth control options and pregnancy options (abortion adoption and parenting) if you are a person with the ability to make sperm, and your partner has the ability to make an egg and become pregnant.

• Preventing Sexually transmitted and blood borne infections (STBBI): Getting tested and using barriers like external condoms or internal condoms for insertive sex (toy / penis entering vagina or anus) and sex dams for oral sex (mouth on body parts).
• Pleasure: Talk about what will feel good before and during sex. It can be fun and sexy!

QUESTION:

When do I tell someone I am trans in a relationship? Should I do it right away?

ANSWER:

You get to decide. If right away feels good for you, go for it! However, don’t feel pressured or that you MUST tell someone right away. You don’t owe anyone your whole self or your whole story when you first meet. It’s also important to consider your safety when you decide to disclose your transness to a partner for the first time. It’s an unfortunate reality that some experience rejection from partners when they disclose. For others, particularly Trans Women of Colour, toxic masculinity can lead some cis-het men to respond to disclosure with violence. You may want to make a safety plan with a trusted friend or disclose in a public place where someone you trust is with you to keep you safer and offer you support if it doesn’t go well. It’s important to know that it is NEVER your fault if someone chooses to reject or harm you when you disclose. Your transness is one of many amazing and beautiful things about you. You are worthy of safety and partners that honour you.

QUESTION:

How do I set boundaries with my partner when it comes to sex stuff?

ANSWER:

Talking about your boundaries can mean talking about what you want to do, what your limits are, where you like to be touched, things you are open to trying, etc. It can be helpful to do this at a time where sex isn’t happening, so you can give each other time and attention with less pressure. If you don’t know what you want, it might help to talk about how you want to check in with each other during sexy times. If talking is hard, you can try making a “checklist” of what you want, what you’re open to trying, and what you are NOT interested in. You can do that alone to help you prepare for the conversations or even with partners to compare interests! See the online resources for one that I like.

QUESTION:

If I got into a relationship, how do I tell them I’m trans and have a scarily low sex drive? I feel people may dislike me for that.

ANSWER:

You are worthy of relationships that make you feel seen, heard and cared about no matter what your sex drive is like. While there are always going to people who aren’t interested in being with you- that’s true for everyone- there are also people who would love to be in a relationship with a trans person who isn’t super into sex. Dating and trying to find a match is hard and at times lonely, but remember that no matter what- you are wonderful.

The best way to find out about how someone feels about sex is to have an honest conversation about it. Share honestly about your sex drive and what you hope a relationship might be like between you.

QUESTION:

Do most people get prego (pregnant) and not know?

ANSWER:

Many people do not know that they are pregnant for at least a month or more into their pregnancy. Someone who is unaware they could get pregnant or who is in denial may find out later in their pregnancy. It makes for good to, but it’s pretty rare for a person to not know they are pregnant until they are very late in pregnancy / when they are about to birth. Anyone with ovaries and a uterus who has had semen inside of or very near their vagina could become pregnant, so talking about preventing a pregnancy if you don’t want one is important. Pregnancy tests (sold in pharmacies, free at doctors offices and teen clinics https://teenclinic.ca/ ) can detect pregnancies after about 4 weeks, so take another test if your first one was negative but you don’t have a period within 4 weeks.

QUESTION:

Do most people get prego (pregnant) and not know?

ANSWER:

Many people do not know that they are pregnant for at least a month or more into their pregnancy. Someone who is unaware they could get pregnant or who is in denial may find out later in their pregnancy. It makes for good to, but it’s pretty rare for a person to not know they are pregnant until they are very late in pregnancy / when they are about to birth. Anyone with ovaries and a uterus who has had semen inside of or very near their vagina could become pregnant, so talking about preventing a pregnancy if you don’t want one is important. Pregnancy tests (sold in pharmacies, free at doctors offices and teen clinics https://teenclinic.ca/ ) can detect pregnancies after about 4 weeks, so take another test if your first one was negative but you don’t have a period within 4 weeks.

QUESTION:

What is the best way to teach people about sex, and importantly, safe sex?

ANSWER:

There are a lot of ways you can teach folks about sex and safer sex. Having open and honest conversations about sex is a great way to learn and teach people in your life about sex. As a sex educator, I am a big fan of answering questions, having fun, talking about pleasure, and connecting people with information and resources they can use to take next steps.

QUESTION:

What's OK in a relationship?

ANSWERS:

In a lot of ways, that's up to you. However, there are some things that are must haves, like respect, honesty, communication, and consent. Have a look at this relationship spectrum to give you a better idea of the types of things that are healthy, unhealthy and abusive. https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/relationship-spectrum/

QUESTION: How can we have schools teach about queer sex?

ANSWER: There are a lot of strategies that people use to make sure that sex ed meets the needs of 2STLGBQIA+ people:

• ADVOCATE: get interested and supportive students, parents / caregivers, teachers, agencies and subject experts (ahem, like me!) together to make changes to your school's curriculum and how it is taught.
• DISRUPT: Speak up in your sex ed class when you see heteronormative sex ed happening!
• DO IT YOURSELF: I know, it's annoying that we have to teach people about our experiences. HOWEVER, leading your own sex ed through presentations, using social media, after school, and however feels good to you is POWERFUL.
• BRING IN SUPPORTS: Like ME! I can come to any school to do this workshop with classrooms, groups and clubs
• Teachers can contact me at info@ericamcnabb.com or on my website HERE

QUESTION:

How to deal with being hypersexual because of trauma and feeling gross about it?

ANSWER:

Healing from trauma looks lots of different ways and takes a long time. It might help to begin or continue working with a counsellor who is skilled in trauma work and non-judgemental about sex and sexuality. You could start by talking to the counsellors at rainbow, https://rainbowresourcecentre.org/programs/counselling and see if they can refer you to someone more long term.

QUESTION:

What is a dental dam? I've heard the term but IDK what it means.

ANSWER:

A dental dam is a sheet of latex that can be used to protect against STBBI during oral sex on body parts like the clitoris, labia, vulva, vagina, anus, testicles, etc. (A condom can be used on a penis) They are called "Dental Dams" because it's basically what dentists use to block off a single area of a mouth during dentistry. That's why a lot of folks call them "Sex Dams" now, because people are having sex, not having dental work.

QUESTION:

Why are there still cishet men who believe that women are property?!?

ANSWER:

Because sexism (like all forms of oppression) benefits cishet men- they gain and keep get power by treating women as property.

QUESTION:

What is the best way to tell someone you are Asexual or Demisexual if they want to have sexual relations with you?

ANSWER:

It is important to be open and honest about who you are and what your boundaries are. It's good to be clear about what you want, what your expectations are. Sometimes we are taught that we should protect other people's feelings over our own, but this is not fair to you. It's good to be honest- that way you are being kind to yourself by not being in a situation you don't want, and you are not letting them believe you want what they do.

QUESTION:

What is endometriosis?

ANSWER:

Endometriosis is a health condition where part of the tissue that lines the uterus, and is only supposed to be inside the uterus is found in other places (often in the pelvic area / lower abdomen, legs, hips, etc.) It has many different symptoms and can take a long time to diagnose. See the Online Resources for more info about endometriosis.

QUESTION:

How do I explain to my dad that I need my door shut at night WITHOUT telling him I am sexually active in self pleasure (I don't want him to know my sex life).

ANSWER:

Glad you have been able to find some "you" time for self pleasure, but you deserve privacy! Not knowing what your relationship is with your dad, it's hard to say what approach to take exactly. You could let him know kindly but firmly that you will be closing your door at night and that you need him to trust that it's the best thing for you. You also could let him know that your lack of privacy is affecting your sleep and your mental health. If having a fair and rational discussion doesn't work for your situation, you could relocate your self pleasure sessions to the bathroom, or another private place. Any way this goes, just know that you deserve pleasure, and privacy, and talking with parents about any of it can be challenging.

QUESTION:

Is it "person with a vulva" or "person with a vagina"? What's more appropriate?

ANSWER:

It's all good, so long as we aren't needlessly gendering body parts.